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Wonders of Submarine Life
by kaNd
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Two goldfishes swim lazily in their tank. Suddenly one stops and tells the other: "I don't know why, I can't believe it's Thursday."
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TITLE: Wonders of Submarine Life
AUTHOR: kaNd
FANDOM: X-Files
PAIRING: M/K
RATING: NC-17
WARNING: weird. And fish's sight works in infrared.
CATEGORY: slash, humour, sea life.
SUMMARY: Alex pays a visit to Mulder - but the narrator isn't your average one.
BETA: super-fast by amazonx (I mean, e-mail and back)! And believe it or not, she *added* commas... I'm always afraid of using too much as in my native language. Thank you a thousand times, Linda!
FIRST PUBLISHED: http://www.nick-lea.com/forums/index.php
ARCHIVE: yes, just tell me before.
FEEDBACK: kand@claude-marillier.fr
SITE: http://kandonline.perso.wanadoo.fr/kand/


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Theta comes from behind the temple column where he loves to hide.

"Alpha! Feeder turned the light on in the black tank!"

"So? He does that at the oddest hour. Most of the time, he just floats in front."

"This time he fed it!"

Uh oh. This should be interesting. Now and then, Feeder slides some food in a black box into the black tank. Sometimes nothing happens, he just stays there, glaring at the lit up tank (that one hasn't the light turned on all the time). But most of the time, Feeder looks quite excited! His tummy appendix turns a bright hot orange and he shakes it with his lateral fin (I wish I could use mine for holding things like he does, looks quite useful) and then he emits low frequency sounds until he remains floating on the black beach and his appendix turns cold again. I hear you: what's the interest? Well, we haven't a lot of things to do, but swimming around there, commenting what happens in the Big Tank (the one where Feeder lives and inside which our tank and the not-always-lighted-one stay). This kind of frenzy brings some entertainment in one's day, see?

So, we all gather against the transparent wall to watch the performance. Theta is very excited; he always says he's looking for scientific purpose (right, the little one gets brains), but I know better <wink>. Only Eta remains at the backside, pretending she's talking with the motionless tin can on-two-tails. Tsk, does she really think we fall for her crap? She's just too shy to watch Feeder when he's bouncing on his private beach like a crazy dolphin.

Beta pushes his lateral fin in my ribs. Yes, thanks, I see, I'm not blind like a benthic freak. Feeder is getting rid of all his scales. It doesn't seem to hurt. Theta tried once to mimick him but he just succeeded in injuring himself badly and Feeder had to take him to the Great Outside for a healer on-two-tails. He told us about the ride, but you can't believe half of what he says. Nerdy little shit.

Let me explain: when Feeder takes his scales off (all of them, not just a piece or two) after he has fed the black tank, he's usually in for a long session! You can see how excited he is because several parts of his body turns pretty shades of red and orange and even yellow. It seems that his scales prevent us from watching his real colours most of the time. Theta claims it's a kind of defence mechanism and he could be right, especially as Feeder doesn't wear the same shade or shape of scales all the time. Maybe he's a kind of giant seahorse? But with two tails. Who am I to know?

So let me tell you about the scene. Feeder is lying all sprawled on his shiny black beach (it's his for sure, as he usually sleeps on it). He does this all the time, lying on his back, showing his tummy. He's not a coward, Feeder! Exposing his most tender part this way! Of course there's not a lot of predators swimming around the Big Tank (or in ours coming to that). Feeder doesn't go in schools, there's just some big fishes on-two-tails coming now and then and they look friendly. My favourite one is the short one with red-scales on her head, she always take care of us when Feeder goes into the Great Outside for too long a time. Well, I assume it's a female, because she's smaller than Feeder and Barker, just as Eta is.

Okay, let's get back to the performance going on. I had to explain, you know? I don't know how familiar you are with giant seahorses' customs. So, Feeder has shed off all his scales but he took his time! There must be a whole banquet in this black box. You want details? You're a scholar, too? <kidding>
Well, Feeder first takes off his tails fins' scales. Gamma fell once outside the tank and found the bottom to be really hard. Maybe that's why Feeder has to wear special scales down there as he's swimming upright (told you, seahorse-like). His tail fins are purple-blue, the water must be a little cold there. Then he takes off his chest scales and those come in one piece! He doesn't tear at them, just slips them over his head, turning them inside-out like a jellyfish. His chest is a pretty pink shade, with two warmer spots at the top. He brushes them with his lateral fins then pinches at them and they turn a bright red! Oh my, that's sweet. (I really wish I could do this holding thing.) He starts emitting low frequency sounds, not that loud, but it's promising. Now he brushes all his upper body with his long fins... That tickles, I'm sure, for he's squirming on the black beach, moving his lower parts with fluid motions. When he's acting like that Feeder looks so elegant, like a manta ray.

Now, he's rubbing his central spot, the one that's the object of his frenzy. I can't see the colour because of the scales that are still on, but it's moving like a moray, oh my! And he goes on and on... Rubbing and pressing at the moray with one fin and pinching at one of his chest spots with the other. Suddenly, he arches his whole body and clicks like a dolphin. He must have pinched too hard. The little spot is all orange now, phew!

Feeder's so excited now, he lets go of the moray and spot to peel off the scales of his two tails (Grandma told me once, when I was a juvenile, that a long time ago, a mermaid is said to have done the same, but the story ended tragically - so we can conclude Feeder isn't a merman as he does this at least twice a day without casualties).

Feeder has no more scale over him now (but the ones on his head, he never takes those off). He's intensely watching the black tank that's flashing lights and he plays with his moray - which is now an interesting shade of red. This is a strange moray, you can see it grow and shrink several times in a row! There're so many mysteries in Nature, makes you think. Ah, Feeder forces the moray down towards his tails before he lets go of it, and it comes slapping at a small button in the middle of his tummy with a funny "splash". Epsilon calls this "spanking the moray", you wonder where that dude finds such expressions. Feeder does this several time then he's back to rubbing his moray and with his other fin he takes old of his urchins. Yes, I forgot to tell: under the moray he has a pair of what looks like twin urchins. Not black urchins, no, no spikes at all, just fleshy ones that must be soft as he's handling them without hurting himself. Okay, I know some fishes can stand venom and such, but spikes, no way, guys!

Feeder's moray is a brighter red now and the glistening head is almost orange. Call it hot, baby! He isn't touching himself there, only nursing his urchins and, wait... Yes! He does it! This always drives him into an even deeper frenzy, I like that! Beta is floating up and down like a mad nudibranch. Even Theta forgets to take notes <smirk>. I explain: under his urchins, between his two tails, Feeder has a poo-poo hole, like the one Mother Nature gave all of us, see? But his is really wider (you can't imagine the things he can insert there sometimes, makes me sick). And when he pushes the end of his lateral fin inside and moves it and pulls and pushes... He's becoming quite frantic! He doesn't need to touch his moray to have it dance like a fat sea cucumber!

Today we're in for a great session, let me tell ya! Great Mother Of Pearl, he's pushing his fin inside like he never did! It goes half inside! Of course he's not sprawling anymore. Feeder is supple but not as a snake; he has to lie on his side, bending his body in two, raising his tails against his chest and grabbing his hole from behind (very long lateral fins). You can see his balloons, all pinky. Yes, like some fishes are quite flat, Feeder and his mates are all round on the backside, with two big balloons. When they're not swimming around they usually rest on them. If you're curious, ask Theta, not me.

I can tell you Feeder is emitting those low frequency sounds really louder now! You'd think he's in pain but I know better, even if he looks so relieved when it comes to an end. You'll understand later.

We all float up and down suddenly for there's been a weird sound at the sas. (The Big Tank has a sas that protects all of us from the Great Outside.) I know this rattling noise! Sometimes a big, black, dark seahorse comes to visit Feeder. There's always tension in the water then, you can feel the electricity crackling in the Big Tank. Most of the times they fight, hard, they end up bleeding, both of them, but our Feeder is the best, he usually wins and the black seahorse leaves. Other times they just talk together but there's still this electricity in between them.

So the sas slowly opens and inside creeps the black seahorse! But Feeder is so busy with feeding the gaping hole between his balloons and rolling his urchins that he's not aware of the foreign presence... First time such a thing happens and I have a good memory! It's also the first time I see the dark tall seahorse looking flabbergasted and it must take a lot to have him so. His eyes are wide like open anemones and his mouth is gaping like he's lacking water (well, not quite, those guys are not breathing like us, but that's a long story). So Dark (I'll call him that way if you don't mind) is swimming upright on this very spot, opening and closing his mouth, and his face has turned a nice shade of pink - a little like when they're ready to fight.

Ah, but this is unexpected... Feeder is still unaware of the other being there, watching his swinging pinky balloons. And Dark doesn't attack him! It would be the right time, if you ask me. Exhibiting all his flesh without scales like that is dangerous, isn't it? I don't get it, but Dark just stares at Feeder and he puts his lateral fin on his own moray! Yes, he has one or so I think, because each time they fight, both of them have the same huge bulge growing there. The fact is, Dark is rubbing his lower tummy the same way Feeder does and his moray seems to enjoy the attention. I know he has balloons, too (as I said, all Feeder's mates have), but I wonder if he has urchins, too? And if so, will they be pinky like Feeder's or black? I'd bet for spikes.

So now Dark is approaching Feeder, slowly. He can swim without having the water moving, that one! And he says something to Feeder who jumps - literally, he falls from the black beach onto the hard bottom of the Big Tank! Before Feeder can moves (he still has his fin deep inside his hole), Dark is all over him, pinning him to the bottom, pushing his tails upside with his "shoulders" (I heard Red-Scales call that part of their body like that once) and holding the inserted fin with his own so Feeder can't take it out. Feeder is emitting high frequency noises now, alternating with groaning woofs like Barker does sometimes.

What's going on? I don't get it. Oh, Dark has found in one of his scales (they have kind of pockets, I told you, seahorses!), he has found small anchors. Yes, kind of tiny metallic anchors that are used to keep a seahorse clung to something, or his fins together. Usually it's Dark who's submitted to them. Tables turn, don't they? Because this time, Dark is putting an anchor on Feeder's free upper fin and locking it to one end of the black beach (there's a kind of wood piece there). He's talking again and whatever he says has Feeder stop shouting. Dark rubs Feeder's chest with his free fin (he's still holding Feeder's fin with the other, remember? And he makes it push and pull in ad out Feeder's hole. I never thought Dark could be so helpful.)

Dark is humming in soft town, very low frequency, I loooove when he does this kind of noise, they ripple in my belly and in the water all around me, yum. Feeder has got quiet - I mean he lets Dark move him as he pleases and his moray is very, very orange too and his urchins have never been so red. And now this is answering my question (see above): Dark lets go of Feeder's chest to get rid of his own scales from his middle to his tails fins. He has very heavy scales there and as he didn't take them off (too busy, I guess) his pack of black scales are folded around them. So, yes, he has a moray! Big one. Impressive. You don't want to swim around that baby at lunch time, believe me. And he has twin urchins too! Not black, no spikes - just pinky-fleshy like Feeder's and hanging lower. The likeness doesn't end there. They both sport very bright and shiny colours, all a range of them from dark crimson and deep purple to flaming orange and gold. The rest of their bodies are cooler, but no part is pale blue! The water must be really hot over there. I'm glad I'm on this side of the glass wall, I don't mind being boiled like a lobster.

Enough with my comments, I know you want to watch. <curious, aren't you?> Eventually Dark lets Feeder's fin leave his wide open hole. And what is he doing now? Oooooh. He's taking his moray towards the gaping hole. Beware, Feeder! Don't let this predator bite you! Hey? What the fuck? It's Feeder's hole that's swallowing Dark's moray! Maybe it thinks this is a kind of cave where it can have a rest? And Dark doesn't look afraid, to the contrary. He helps his moray pushing and pulling, in and out, again and again... The two seahorses are making a lot of noises now, you'd think there's a whole school of humpback whales here! Feeder has spread his two tails to knot them around Dark's body, he holds on him with his free lateral fin, I'm sure he wishes he's an octopus right now! I don't see Feeder's moray, but from the sounds he makes, I think he's going to let go of his seed soon. Yes, when in a frenzy, Feeder does that just like a coral reef three nights after the full moon of March - but his seed doesn't float up to the cellar, it just goes "psshh-psshh" like that and falls everywhere.

What I see instead is Dark's balloons going up and down, his bright red urchins bumping against Feeder's own balloons and the tail of his moray appearing and disappearing into Feeder's dripping hole. Sometimes I even catch a sight of the moray's head, all glistening and red, when it tries to escape the hole, but Dark doesn't let it go very far, and sploosh! it hides again inside.

What a strange position, it must be difficult to achieve that when not in the water. Let me try to explain: Feeders is still on his back with his shoulders on the bottom but the rest of his body (from the chest, see?) is upside, with his tail fins on each side of his head... And Dark is bent over him, his moray diving vertically into Feeder's hole! Of course this gives more momentum to Dark who's pushing the poor beast even deeper into the cavern. It's turning to an incandescent white, never saw such a thing, damn'. Gotta hurt. As far as I can see, Feeder has took hold of his own bright white moray and he's shaking it very fast like when he's ready to release his seed.

The giant seahorses make very loud sounds - make our tank shake! - and they both fall. I mean, Feeder falls down, all sprawled on the bottom of the Big Tank, and Dark falls more slowly all over him. His moray must be tired, it remains hidden inside Feeder's hole. They're both gaping for water - no, "air", I'm always confused with that. Anyway, it was more fun than when they fight. I hope they'll play together again.

Hey, whazzat? I distantly heard some noise at the sas for a while, but I was so... focused, that I didn't care. Uh oh. The sas opens and guess who enters the crime scene? Nobody but Red-Scales and Barker! She just stops, looks at the couple of male seahorses on the bottom and starts shrieking! Speak of high frequency! Barker is just gaping at the scene and his eyes are jutting out enough to touch his portholes...

Let me tell you... I don't know why but I think Feeder is in over his head!

Comments

( 7 Mouthfuls — Munch On! )
polly_b
24th Apr, 2006 06:09 (UTC)
LOL! This was just charming, kaNd! I loved the little throwaway lines like this one:

Yes, thanks, I see, I'm not blind like a benthic freak.

and

Epsilon calls this "spanking the moray"

What a fun start to the week! Thanks!
kanld
24th Apr, 2006 06:12 (UTC)
Thanks, Polly! This just started yesterday, 'cause I was persuaded it was Monday... And it reminded me of this fish punch line I love... And the rest is History - well, story.
amazonx
24th Apr, 2006 07:27 (UTC)
OMG!
This story gets funnier every time I read it. You are too damned awesome!
biani
24th Apr, 2006 07:46 (UTC)
That was lovely Kand, I liked it :-).
ladymidath
25th Apr, 2006 15:46 (UTC)
This was so cute. :-)
vestafour
25th Apr, 2006 20:11 (UTC)
I enjoyed this story so much. It was hysterical! The fish commentary was so much fun and you completely captured his point of view. Thanks for posting it.
lorelei633
26th Apr, 2006 04:58 (UTC)
This was just an absolute kick, kaNd. Definitely one of the most original and entertaining stories I've read. Loved it!
( 7 Mouthfuls — Munch On! )

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